I went back to uni this week. Back to working each day, feeling guilty if I go to the movies or read something that isn’t a text or a journal, back to chasing the marks and writing the reports. It’s going to be a big semester – I have a few subjects which I know are going to be "full on".

So, with Wednesday being my "day off" (read: study like mad at home) I of course slept in this morning. Deliberately. Until 10am. Yum! Week 1 is usually pretty low key, and all I have to do is read, read, read, and organise my work for this semester.

I sit down and eat my breakfast. I feel guilty that I’ve slept in, and should have gotten up at 8. Well, too late for that now, so while I’m putting food into my mouth, I do my usual trick of reading at the same time.

It has occurred to me that I’m obsessed with productivity. If I have a relaxing day where I see friends or family, or go to dinner or whatever, I get to the end of the day and think "I didn’t knit anything, I didn’t read anything, or write anything, or get any exercise done." *gasp!* and suddenly I’m punishing myself for not having a productive enough day.

I suppose that my life has gradually been heading towards this. I was brought up strict christian, and the general thought of "sloth" is the very old fashioned adage "the devil finds idle hands work to do". Christadelphians don’t believe in the devil, actually, but the premise was essentially the same – you can’t be hanging about just relaxing – that’s sin, ducklings! If you have nothing else to do, read your bible!

And still, I dutifully pull out my book – these days a text book – and I read. Or, I knit, or spin, or whatever. When I worked out how to read and knit simultaneously… well! Could a girl be more content? But instead of getting happier at all the things I get done, I just get more depressed. No matter how much I get done, no matter how many good marks I get, bobbins I spin, or items I knit, I still feel lazy and slow and unproductive.

I really need to learn how to let all of this go. I’m always running about the place, I’m always stressed about something, I’m always furiously trying to get something finished, or started, or whatever. And it finally occurred to me this morning as I simultaneously filled my mind and body with fuel for the day that none of this is ever going to make me happy. So, I’m going to post this entry and go finish my cup of tea, and do a couple of hours’ reading. Then I’m going to throw on my tracky-dacks, and go visit my hubby at work and sit and hang out with him for a while.

And no, I still haven’t finished those bloody socks. ;-P